Originally gathered for the UMIST Astrobash 2003 Xmas Crackers!
These are all pretty dire, but you should have seen the really bad ones I came across on my trawl through various web sites - not remotely funny! In fact I made up two myself - just how sad is that?
Why do astronomers make bad detectives?
They theorise before having all the evidence!
What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?
(chicken)(turkey) sine theta!
Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the smaller mew!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?
You can't - a rock climber is a scalar!
Why are astronomers good at mountain climbing?
They always have the right ascension!
Why are astronomers excellent lovers?
They have the time and the declination!
What do physicists enjoy doing the most at football games?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side!
According to Isaac Newton, why did the chicken cross the road?
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads!
What is the Heineken Uncertainty Principle?
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night!
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge!'
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having!'
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive!'
According to Wolfgang Pauli, why did the chicken cross the road?
There was already a chicken on this side of the road!
How many kinds of physicists are there?
Three. Those who can count and those who can't!
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'Sir, can I get you a Martini?' Descartes says 'I don't think...' and disappears!
Where does bad light end up?
In a prism!
Did you hear about when Heisenberg was out for a drive and he got stopped by a traffic policeman? The officer said 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg replied 'No, but I know where I was!'
According to Albert Einstein, why did the chicken cross the road?
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference!
Why is physics like sex?
It may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it! (Richard Feynman).
Who do you call if you have a problem with moles?
How do you scare away the Superstrings?
Put Krypton gas in a scintillator detector!